Oh Em Gee!!!

There's a lot I could say about last night. It sucked. Could have been a lot worse, but it still sucked.  Literally everything and everyone I voted for, except State Rep, lost. I don't like losing.

I would make a whole post about this shit, but it's too annoying.  Instead, I'll just point out the obvious/hilarious/obviously hilarious:

John Boehner always looks like he's drunk.

I'll have a martini, please. Hold the vermouth.

I'm glad the Speaker of the House looks like he's coming off a bender.

30 days to blow your mind

This whole 30 day challenge thing has me intrigued, and I've decided to participate. However, I vowed a long time ago (August) to never write anything personal here. So, starting this weekend or whenever I have Internets again, I will feature a 30 day challenge blog post from a celebrity guest blogger. Shit will be poppin off in the pit, yo. And won't Bodie, Poot, DeAngelo, or String have shit to say about it.

Side note: I'm considering creating a separate blog just for a personal 30 day challenge thing. It will be very limited in access, but let me know if you'd like to be included.

Blogging via phone sucks donkey scrotum.

Real Men of Genius- Mr. Moderate Democrat

Real men of genius

Today, we salute you, Mr. Moderate Democrat

Mr. Moderate Democrat!

While managing to get elected 2 years ago on the promise of enacting legislation to help average families, you manage to piss yourself when voices on the right start to yell.

Your pants are soaked with urine!

You voted for health care reform only after it was watered down to only be slightly useful.  You voted for Wall Street reform after weakening it worse than most Republicans.  You even threatened to uphold Republican filibusters on a bill to fund jobs for cops and teachers if your demands weren’t met.  With Democrats like you, who needs Republicans?

You’re the definition of a frienemy!

So now that you’re down in the polls because you refuse to take a solid position, when given the golden opportunity to ensure everyone making less that $250k a year gets a tax break, what do you do?  You refuse to even talk about it, and demand to go home.  You get an opportunity to strike a blow for equal rights by striking down Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and you back away.

Taking a stand is hard!

You even manage to make commercials pointing out how often you side with Republicans, while take campaign money from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.  Have a fun month pointing out how you’re useless. So have a frosty Bud Light and good luck winning an election without standing for anything.

Mr. Moderate Deeemocrat!

AnheuserBuschSaintLouisMissouri.

Handy Dandy Tips for Parenting

I am not a parent. Not only is this fact better for me, but it’s probably better for the universe that haven’t reproduced.  However, this doesn’t stop me from having opinions on parenting.  In fact, seeing how other people raise their kids, and how they’re most likely doing long-term damage to these kids, I’m going to share some tips on how to not be a douchebag parent.  Let us begin.

Tip #1: DO NOT name your child after alcohol

Today alone, I came across two people named after booze.  One was “Tequila” and the other was “Hennessee”(Yep, they even spelled it wrong). I’ve seen others such as Bacardi, Kaluha, Tanqueray, and Patron.  Why the hell would someone think this is a good idea?  What clicks in someone’s head and says “you know what tag I want my child to have to wear their entire life? The shit that got me sloshed me when I got knocked up.” At the hospital, when they ask a new mother what they want to name the child, if she says anything that has caused me to make poor decisions, they should instead put the child into foster care.  What bad decision inducers are next to become baby name?  Are we going to see Budweiser Smith or Crack Cocaine Jones or even It-Had-Been-Eighth-Months-And-Someone-Was-Just-There Doe?  Don’t name your kids things that have made me vomit.

Tip #2: DO NOT take bath pictures when they can no longer bathe in the sink

I’ll never understand why parents think it’s cute to take these pictures at any age, but since all babies look exactly alike I can forgive it when they’re tiny.  However, toddler bath pictures… STOP. IT.  Cute is not the proper descriptive word for those pictures.  The proper descriptor is felonious. Imagine how the boys on C-Block would love you, dad. 

“Hey man, what’d you do?”
“Took naked pictures of my kid.”

“Prepare for a world of anal pain.”

So, the next time you’ve got that camera out, and you’re thinking of snapping a little baby porn, remember the fact that it makes you a creepy, creepy criminal.

Tip #3: DO NOT threaten to beat your child in public

Beating your child at all makes you an ass that deserves to be smacked with a brick.  Threatening to beat your child in a public setting makes you an ass that deserves to be pummeled relentlessly.  It never seems to matter what waiting room I’m in as there always seems to be someone with a kid or two who can’t sit still. Do you remember what it was like to be 4? Do you remember being able to sit still? Hell, I still can’t sit still in a waiting room- I almost always end up playing Tetris on my phone. How the hell is a kid supposed to manage it?  I have a suggestion for all you shitting parents out there: help keep your child entertained.  Bring a book. Bring an action figure. Bring some crayons.  Bring something. Or better yet: talk to your kid! Let them tell you a story!  That NEVER stops entertaining me. Sometimes I wish there weren’t pesky things like “laws” so the next time I hear a parent say to their kid “you want a whoopin?” I can turn and say, “Do you?”

Tip #4: DO NOT start fights at your child’s sporting events

It seems every week there’s another video of some parents engaging in fisticuffs as a pee wee football or soccer game.  It usually starts when Kid A (not the Radiohead one) does something minor to Kid B, so Kid B’s parents yell at Kid A. This pisses off Kid A’s parents who yell at Kid B’s parents, and before long they get to fightin.  Don’t be these people.  Aside from the terrible example it sets, you just look like a jackass fighting in your khaki shorts, golf shirt, and silly straw hat.  What’s hilarious is while they claim they’re trying to protect their child’s feelings, few things are more embarrassing than watching your mom get her ass kicked by the mom of the kid you sit next to in school.  

Tip #5: DO NOT use your children for political props

If you’ve seen a tea party rally, you’ve seen this shit: little tikes with little signs that read “I’ll work later so ghetto moms don’t have to now.”  Or kids with giant fake boulders on their back to symbolize the tax burden they’ll have some day.  Or my personal favorite: anything involving Sarah Palin.  Sarah, we get it. You’re a mom. That’s really awesome. But there are thousands of female candidates all over the country who can run without dragging their kids on stage at almost every rally around the country.  STOP. IT.  This shit is nauseating to me on both sides of the spectrum.  From the anti-prop 8 commercials to the commercials the DSCC had running in Missouri this summer- the shit is not cool.  You want to teach them that voting is important? Awesome! Thanks! You want to try to indoctrinate them that your beliefs are the only ones that matter? Go for it.  Seen it fail a million times.  But when you’re thinking up a cute way to dress your baby to make a political point, just think: Does this make me a giant douchebag? And since it does, please don’t do it.

I hope these tips help you parents out there.  Please, stop scarring your children for life with your stupidity.

Reasons to be Pissed at Drunk Friends

I like drinking.  I like being around other people who are drinking.  In our day to day lives we have to put up with so many bullshit formalities and pretentions, but drinking is great because it makes you say what you mean.  But drinking can also make you do things that you normally wouldn’t.  For example, I can’t dance.  I look just as awkward as every other white man that has ever lived (except Vanilla Ice) when I try to.  However, once I drink a little bit of my courage-in-a-glass, in my mind I can bust a move with the best of ‘em. But lately, it seems more and more people are getting pissy with other people’s drunk choices. 

There are some key words to that last sentence- let’s identify them! Let’s start with “other people’s.”  Other people- you know, not you.  And it has an apostrophized “s” denoting the next word is possessed by “other people.”  That next word is “choices,”- decisions, picks, options, resolutions, etc.  So, “other people’s choices” are decisions reached by people that are not you.  Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move on.

When we realize that everyone has the right to make their own choices, and that shit is even codified in the Bible, we see that it really isn’t our place to get all pissy when people do stupid drunk shit.  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and because I’m like a clean window today and all about clarity, I’ll give you a list of 100 reasons it’s okay to get upset with a drunk friend.

For example, you have every right to be pissed if they…

1. murder you.
2. maim you.
3. drive a vehicle into your house.
4. fly a plane into your house.
5. drive a boat into your house.
6. drive a train into your house.
7. set fire to your house.
8. blow up your house.
9. blow up your car.
10. sell your car.
11. sell your house.
12. sell your child to gypsies
13. sell your child to rednecks.
14. sell your child to Republicans
15. kidnap your child.
16. put your child up for adoption.
17. teach your child the words to “Baby Got Back.”
18. teach your child the “Song That Never Ends.” (Fuck you, Lamb Chop!)
19. teach your child how to light their farts
20. teach your child that Carlos Mencia is “funny.”
21. use your child for a footstool.
22. teach your child that it’s funny to put a sign that says “Help! I’ve been kidnapped!” in the back window of your car.
23. sell your child drugs.
24. buy drugs from your child.
25. arrange to have your child murder someone.
26. forge your name on Army enlistment documents.
27. sign you up for long distance service.
28. sign you up for NAMBLA.
29. erect a sign in your front yard that reads “I hate white people.”
30. steal your beer.
31. steal your virtue.
32. steal your car.
33. steal your television.
34. steal your couch.
35. reconfigure your iPod to only play the first 23 seconds of every song.
36. put all of your DVDs in the wrong cases.
37. replace your DVDs with videos of infomercials.
38. have relations with your significant other.
39. have relations with your father.
40. have relations with your mother.
41. have relations with your dog.
42. have relations with Lil’ Wayne.
43. have relations with your cat.
44. have relations with your hamster.
45. have relations with your fish.
46. refuse to have relations with Brad Pitt.
47. reconfigure your computer to cause every Google link to click to send you here.
48. vote for George W. Bush.
49. call your parents to tell them you’re in jail- and you’re not.
50. buy airline tickets to Amsterdam on your credit card.
51. buy 200 dozen doughnuts with your credit card and have them delivered to the police station with a note that read “eat up, piggies!”
52. use your credit card to order 30 Russian mail order brides.
53. use your credit card to order a bouncy house.
54. use your credit card to make donations to al-Qaeda.
55. use your credit card to make donations to the KKK.
56. use your credit card to make donations to the Westboro Baptist Church.
57. build a bonfire in your backyard and dance around it naked with 30 homeless people.
58. paint a mural of Osama bin-Laden on your house.
59. paint a mural of Rosie O’Donnell on your house.
60. erect a sign above a synagogue door that reads “Arbeit macht frei”
61. put a Detroit Red Wings sticker on your car.
62. attach “testicles” to the back of your car.
63. reconfigure your television to only show Fox News.
64. change all the phone numbers in your phone to those of call girls found on Craigslist.
65. post your number on Craigslist-Boston offering to sell two Yankees-Red Sox tickets for face value.
66. Sign your email address up for every “Bible verse of the day” spam list they can find.
67. hide a rotten egg in your heating vents.
68. sign you up to sponsor 32 children with Save the Children.
69. change the house numbers on your house to “69420”
70. coat your toilet seat with super glue.
71. invite Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston to live in your basement.
72. tear out every page in your books that ends in the number 8.
73. turn all of your shirts into muscle shirts.
74. have sex in your bed.
75. have sex with a prostitute in your bed.
76. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed.
77. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed and record it.
78. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed, record it, and then force you to watch it.
79. register you as a sex offender with the police.
80. remove all the light bulbs from your house.
81. remove all the door knobs from your house.
82. remove all the knobs from your faucets.
83. call the power company to disconnect service.
84. rent out your house while you still live there.
85. invite Michael Vick to dog-sit for you.
86. replace your vinegar with sulfuric acid.
87. tell you they placed 1 pube in 1 food item in your house.
88. and refuse to tell you what item it is
89. remove all the utensils from your home except butter knives.
90. sign you up for 92 subscriptions to the New York Times
91. sign you up for 1 subscription to the New York Post.
92. tell your significant other that you cheated on them- and you didn’t.
93. tell your significant other than you said you wanted to bring Bill Cosby to bed- and you don’t.
94. knock holes in every wall in your home so you can have “inside windows.”
95. hide alarm clocks all over your house set to go off every 26 minutes.
96. announce on facebook that you’re hosing a party with free booze to everyone in the “I love sex” facebook group.
97. change your twitter and/or facebook picture to a picture of your ass.
98. change your twitter and/or facebook picture to a picture of Karl Rove.
99. sell your passport, ID, and social security card to an illegal alien.
100. didn’t invite you to go out.

So, if your friends don’t do any of these things, you really don’t have any reason to be pissed about what they do while intoxicated.

Choose Your Own Right-Wing Adventure

I’ve become a faithful viewer of the Glenn Beck Program.  I started watching because I figured that Jon Stewart and Keith Olbermann were taking shit way out of context, and Glenn wasn’t really all that crazy.  After watching a few episodes I came to my conclusion: This man is a fucking genius.  He found a market to sell fiction everyday in a medium that is so compelling you can’t help but want to tune in tomorrow.  Who will be the new villain?  What will their evil plot be? How does our hero stop them?  This shit is mathematical:

Fear(Flash Gordon+Joe McCarthy+ Mythical US History) ÷ dignity = Glenn Beck.

The best part is who the hero is: It’s you, America.  Just like your favorite Choose Your Own Adventure book, you get to save the world from the evil socialists in the White House.  So, because competition is at the heart of the free market system Glenn loves so much, I think I’ll do my own Choose Your Own Adventure story!

Adventures in Anytown 

You are a good, God-fearing Caucasian from Anytown, Iowa- population 342.  One day you’re sitting on the front porch drinking a glass of lemonade and eating apple pie with your wife, Sarah, and your two kids, Ron and Paul. As you enjoy your afternoon, you notice a black car pull up in the driveway.  The car stops and a man in a black suit gets out of the car. What do you do? (Tell your wife to get your gun- go to 5) or (Wait on the porch to see what he wants- go to 8)

1- Your militia prepares to take back the country!  However, there are two options that are debated: one group in your militia wants to take the country back through political means by winning elections, while the other wants to use 2^nd Amendment remedies and march an army on Washington.  Do you prefer the (Political route- go to 16) or (War!- go to 9)

2- You ask the man what he wants.  He says he is an agent of the Federal Government and he is here to help by asking a few questions. However, in order to help, he needs you to put down your rifle.  Will you (put your rifle down- go to 8) or (take aim- go to 14)

3- You fill out the form as requested and the man promptly leaves.  Two months later, more Federal agents show up to take away all your guns.  A month after that they return to take your wife to sell her to slavery to a black man.  Two weeks after that they come back to take your sons to homosexual reeducation camp.  Then finally a week later the agents return for you.  You’re charged with treason for watching Fox News and executed by Lady Gaga.  THE END.

4- You hesitated! The agent draws his weapon and shoots you dead!  Your family is sold into white slavery in Kenya to Barack Obama’s family.  THE END.

5- Your obedient wife runs into the house to fetch your weapon! She returns with your loaded rifle before the man gets to the porch.  How will you greet this man? (Fire a warning shot into the air- go to 11) or (Ask him what he wants- go to 2)

6- You arm your family for battle with the Federal Agents, giving Ron the rocket launcher and Paul the .50 caliber machine gun.  Your wife retreats to the kitchen.  As the first group of feds start to descend from the helicopter, Ron hits the chopper with a rocket, causing the agents to fall like rain.  Then Paul opens up on the remaining helicopters, causing them to retreat, but not before taking out a few feds- the scalps of which Ron plans to show his 1^st grade class.  It’s then you see the tanks approaching.  You fight valiantly, but the government forces are too much, and your family is killed.  However, after you die, you hang out in heaven with Jesus, Ronald Reagan, and Father Coughlin. THE END.

7- You accept the debate and the liberal media pundit that mediates twists all the questions asked to you to make you look bad.  You lose the election and you Democratic opponent votes to turn our country over to Iran.  THE END.

8- You wait on your porch for the man to approach.  When he reaches you, he says he’s an agent of the Federal Government and would like you to fill out a questionnaire about your income, household, property, religion, employment, and cable new preference.  Will you (fill out the form- go to 3) or (refuse to fill out the form- go to 13)

9- Your Tea Party Militia marches on Washington, where you kick out all of the liberals and install a good Christian president.  Through swift scientific advances, you’re able to bring Ronald Regan back to life and appoint him president for life.  His reign causes all bad things to go away! THE END.

10- You send the militia back home and settle into watch Glenn Beck.  However, the government never forgets and two weeks later an airstrike hits your house, killing everyone but Sarah.  She sold you out for being a coward, and married Billy Dee Williams.  THE END.

11- You fire a warning shot into the air!  The man shouts he’s an agent of the government, so you fire another shot at his feet.  He retreats back to his black car and drives away.  Feeling accomplished, you sit back to your lemonade and apple pie while your wife massages your feet.  Maybe if she’s lucky, you’ll give her relations later.  Just as you start to think about enjoying your wife, you notice three black helicopters racing toward your house.  You know those to be ATF Strike Teams! What do you do? (Activate your local Tea Party Militia- go to 15) or (Arm your family for battle- go to 6)

12- You sent out a mailer proving how evil your Democratic opponent is and won!  After spending three weeks in the Senate, you become friends with Senator Tom Osborne, who introduces you to cocaine.  One year into your senatorial term, you’re busted in a hotel room with half an eight ball of blow and a dead hooker.  You’re sentenced to six months probation.  THE END.

13- You refuse to fill out the government man’s form!  He warns you that not complying will result in serious consequences, and that he’s only here to help you.  Will you (reconsider and fill out the form- go to 3) or (tell the agent to leave- go to 18)

14- You take aim at the agent.  He warns you that shooting a Federal Agent is a serious crime.  But you see he’s reaching for his own weapon! Do you (Fire- go to 17) or (Lower your weapon- go to 4)

15- You run to your computer and call upon your local tea party militia!  Within seconds they arrive at your house and prepare to repel the feds.  However, upon seeing the force of ordinary citizens at your house, the Feds turn around.  Your militia cheers!  What’s next? (Send the militia back home- go to 10) or (Have the militia prepare to take back the country- go to 1) 

16- Your group goes the political route, and you’re nominated to run for Senate.  Things are running neck-and-neck and your Democratic opponent challenges you to one debate over economic issues.  Will you (accept the debate- go to 7) or (Send out a mass mailer saying that your opponent is a homosexual that gives forced abortions to children- go to 12)

17- You shoot the agent and his head asplodes.  You look down at your watch and realize that it’s almost 4pm, time for the Glenn Beck Program.  So while your wife cuts up the agent’s body to be sold the homeless shelter, you relax in your favorite chair to watch Glenn Beck.  THE END.

18- You tell the agent to leave your property.  Instead, he pulls out a radio and says “resistor.”  Within minutes your property is swarming with government agents.  They take you away to a prison in California, where you’re forced to shower with gays.  After contracting AIDS, you are then forced to endure reeducation where your brain is destroyed and you’re reduced to being a liberal.  You live out the rest of your days as the boyfriend of a large black man in New York City, where you work as a community organizer. THE END.

Why Republicans Love Gays SO Much

At 1:15pm, the Senate is scheduled to begin debating the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  I say scheduled because the whole thing has to start with a vote on if they want to debate it, which Republicans have vowed to filibuster.  Democrats are scrambling to get 60 votes to avoid the filibuster and no one really knows if they’ll get there.  And they say there’s no suspense in Washington anymore…

I’ve never understood why people think conservatives are anti-gay.  That’s so 1994.  This is 2010, baby.  My politics are economic and my president is a Kenyan socialist Muslim.  The truth is that the Republican Party is simply trying to protect gays!  The world is a scary place, and while Democrats waste time trying to protect a dying middle class, Republicans are out there looking to protect gays from the horrors of modern day life.  Just so everyone is clear on the Republican position here, let me explain:

They're obviously not married.

Gay Marriage

Conservatives are well-known for being pro-marriage.  So pro-marriage that people like John McCain and Roy Blunt have had two, Newt Gingrich has had three, and Rush Limbaugh has had four!  However, the truth is marriage sucks.  Aside from the fact that you’re limited to having sex only with that person, once you’re married everyone stops trying to be impressive in anyway.  Regular people see no reason to try to impress you since they can’t sleep with you, and your spouse stops trying to impress you because they know you have no other options to get your rocks off(sucker).  The only person who gets nicer after you’re married is your priest, and that’s just because he thinks you’ll bring more kids into the parish. 

Gays have it made right now!  You can go from dude to dude without repercussions (except maybe AIDS).  Plus, if you do end up in a relationship, the first time your significant other hints at wanting to take the next step, you can point out that you are currently at the top of the big gay stairwell.  These awesome rights only exist as long as gays are protected from the institution of marriage. 





Gay Adoption

This one baffles me.  Since most gays spend every night at a bar dressed in leather looking for someone to take home, why would they want a kid?  Especially a 2^nd hand kid- I thought gays weren’t really down with the vintage thing?  Either way, raising kids is nothing but shoveling shit.  When they’re young you have to clean up their shit.  When they’re in elementary school they leave shit all over the floor.  When they’re in high school nothing but shit comes out of their mouth.  Then in college they shit all over your bank account.  Why would you want that? 

Gays thinking about adopting should go the park, see how cute the kids at the playground are, and then walk away laughing at the fact you just got to experience the best part of parenthood without changing a diaper.  Don’t worry my hetro-challenged friends, you’ll continue to be protected from raising kids.

 Gays in the Military

Republicans are all about praising the bravery of our armed forces.  There are few things more honorable than wearing the uniform of your country and picking up a rifle to defend it.  However, military life isn’t for everyone, including gays.  First, in the military it is not acceptable to greet a comrade in the shower by shaking his third leg- except in the Navy.  Next, while it’s in the gay’s nature to try and look fabulous, in the military standing out is frowned upon, and few accessories look good with digital camo.  Finally, there isn’t a single GAP in Kabul.  None.  Zero.  There are few things more dangerous for gays than the lack of overpriced knits.  Besides, if Republicans retake the White House, do you really want to go die in the next silly war started over nothing?  Exactly.  We’ll continue to protect you with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell… Except we’re totally going to ask and you’re totally going to be harassed until you tell.

Now that it’s clear that Republicans don’t hate gays, but simply want to protect them, we can put this matter to bed.  Conservatives and gays have so much in common that often gets ignored. Both love to drink water.   Both love Margaret Thatcher.  Both have things up their ass.  It’s time the MSM recognize this, and see how Republicans are pro-gay protection, not anti-gay.