Beck has a rally for stuff!

Glenn Beck threw a big party in Washington this weekend. Everyone of who has a microphone had been speculating what the hell the whole party was going to be about for weeks, with the only clues being the title: Restoring Honor. How generic is that? Why not Fixing Fate, Setting Virtues, or Happy Harmony? I think those sound cooler. Yet, even without knowing what the hell the whole thing was about, 300,000 rednecks made the pilgrimage. 300,000 people went to the National Mall because Glenn Beck said to go there without even telling them WHY. Scared yet?

Bet you can't guess what country they're from...

The right loves to haughtily say Beck’s detractors are just afraid of him. And they’re right. And it’s not just a man having that kinda power that’s so scary, it’s that kinda power over those kinda people- people with lots of free time, mullets, and guns. Lots and lots of guns. And big ugly mullets. We’ve been safe from them up until now because Rush, Dr. Laura, and Michael Savage only had words to incite them. Glenn Beck has a chalkboard where he draws PICTURES. Shit just got real.

Part of me expected Beck to stand up in front of that mob and say “Okay! Revolution timey! Go go go!” At the very least I expected lots of angry yelling by people in tri-corner hats wearing tights. Instead, I just got church. Not even a fun church like the one in The Blues Brothers. A boring one. I tried watching the whole thing, but I kept switching between it and a NatGeo Border Wars marathon.

So the point of Glenn Beck’s shindig was to bring America back to God. Well, thanks Glenn. But that just leads to more questions: Which God? The God used to criminalize private behavior that has zero impact on other people? The God that doesn’t let people drive cars on Saturday? The God of Glenn Beck’s LDS people that says coffee is bad? Or what about the God from Leviticus and all his goodies, like stoning bad children? However, I do like the “stay away from women on their period” thing from that last one.

Even if Glenn’s point was that we need to find the middle ground in all those religions and just be more moral and such, he still has problems since the only middle ground in them is that God is a dude. Everything else is in conflict. So the point of Glenn’s boring rally that thousands of people showed up for with, without knowing why they were showing up, is still not very clear. I think a better title for his rally would have just been Ambiguous Ambiguity- 2010!

Porn is booming in Iraq

IRAQ IS FREE!!!!

This is good news.  I bet the violence drops now as everyone drops thier socks and grabs thier cocks.

How to Ensure Republican Victory!

Dear Conservative America,


We are now about 70 days until the midterm elections. The day where you get to strike back at that evil liberal agenda by electing people that will keep the gays from divorce court, stop federally-funded grandma saving, and make sure all our money is kept safely in the pockets of our corporate friends. So far you’ve done a good job in showing the American people why Obama is bad and how he’s destroying America, and I’m really impressed with your ongoing series pointing out all the threats he’s exposing us to. From terror babies, to Mexicans, to Islamic Victory Mosques being built with the bones of 9/11 victims, you’re showing how Obama <3’s Americas enemies.

However, there is always room for more on that bus we should be loading for Unamericaville, CA. So, to help you help good conservatives win in November, I would like to suggest a few more groups of people we can hate.

Butch Lesbians

It’s a well-known fact that gay men and butch lesbians carry diseases. These diseases were given to them by Jesus for not obeying what he said in the Bible (side note: this is the same reason why Cleveland is afflicted with Browns). However, butch lesbians are even more dangerous because they all hate men and loving cutting off peniss peni dicks. Because most Republicans are men, this presents a significant issue. However, we can’t just start hating all lesbians- some lesbians are good, hardworking Americans (who kiss and makes me feel funny inside).





We only want to target the EVIL lesbians, so I have developed a flow chart to make things easier:

Let’s show America how evil these manly chicks are!

Vampires

With the booming popularity of Twilight, True Blood, and many other terrible pieces of vampire fiction, there is no greater danger to America than vampires. Just like Will and Grace and Friends made homosexuality acceptable (Ross and Chandler were totally queer), and Everybody Loves Raymond made being a fucking moron mainstream, these pieces of garbage risk making vampirism seem okay. Well guess what- sucking blood is no okay. Turning America against these leeches is simple- we just point out that the most hated man in America is actually a vampire. That’s right- Mel Gibson is a fucking vampire.





New York Yankees

Seriously.
Fuck them.











 Cancer Patients

Now, I know this one isn’t going to be popular at first. But think about it: cancer patients just make everyone uncomfortable. How many times have been walking down the street when a bald jerk totally slows down the sidewalk? You try to go around them, but the damn fluid thingy blocks you. When you’ve finally had enough, you push them down to go around them only to have them scream back “I HAVE CANCER!!” Well this double standard needs to end! We can turn America against them but just pointing out the obvious: all these cancer kids just want attention and someone to serve them. It’s un-American! They should have to work for anything they want! And if it comes to actual fighting, it’s not like they’ll be much of a problem- they have cancer for christsake.


So you see, my Republican friends. We can get more Democrats out of office by demonizing these national security threats, and pointing out how the DemonRats have no plan to fight them! Profit!

Keep fighting the good fight!

Hawk