Choose Your Own Right-Wing Adventure

I’ve become a faithful viewer of the Glenn Beck Program.  I started watching because I figured that Jon Stewart and Keith Olbermann were taking shit way out of context, and Glenn wasn’t really all that crazy.  After watching a few episodes I came to my conclusion: This man is a fucking genius.  He found a market to sell fiction everyday in a medium that is so compelling you can’t help but want to tune in tomorrow.  Who will be the new villain?  What will their evil plot be? How does our hero stop them?  This shit is mathematical:

Fear(Flash Gordon+Joe McCarthy+ Mythical US History) ÷ dignity = Glenn Beck.

The best part is who the hero is: It’s you, America.  Just like your favorite Choose Your Own Adventure book, you get to save the world from the evil socialists in the White House.  So, because competition is at the heart of the free market system Glenn loves so much, I think I’ll do my own Choose Your Own Adventure story!

Adventures in Anytown 

You are a good, God-fearing Caucasian from Anytown, Iowa- population 342.  One day you’re sitting on the front porch drinking a glass of lemonade and eating apple pie with your wife, Sarah, and your two kids, Ron and Paul. As you enjoy your afternoon, you notice a black car pull up in the driveway.  The car stops and a man in a black suit gets out of the car. What do you do? (Tell your wife to get your gun- go to 5) or (Wait on the porch to see what he wants- go to 8)

1- Your militia prepares to take back the country!  However, there are two options that are debated: one group in your militia wants to take the country back through political means by winning elections, while the other wants to use 2^nd Amendment remedies and march an army on Washington.  Do you prefer the (Political route- go to 16) or (War!- go to 9)

2- You ask the man what he wants.  He says he is an agent of the Federal Government and he is here to help by asking a few questions. However, in order to help, he needs you to put down your rifle.  Will you (put your rifle down- go to 8) or (take aim- go to 14)

3- You fill out the form as requested and the man promptly leaves.  Two months later, more Federal agents show up to take away all your guns.  A month after that they return to take your wife to sell her to slavery to a black man.  Two weeks after that they come back to take your sons to homosexual reeducation camp.  Then finally a week later the agents return for you.  You’re charged with treason for watching Fox News and executed by Lady Gaga.  THE END.

4- You hesitated! The agent draws his weapon and shoots you dead!  Your family is sold into white slavery in Kenya to Barack Obama’s family.  THE END.

5- Your obedient wife runs into the house to fetch your weapon! She returns with your loaded rifle before the man gets to the porch.  How will you greet this man? (Fire a warning shot into the air- go to 11) or (Ask him what he wants- go to 2)

6- You arm your family for battle with the Federal Agents, giving Ron the rocket launcher and Paul the .50 caliber machine gun.  Your wife retreats to the kitchen.  As the first group of feds start to descend from the helicopter, Ron hits the chopper with a rocket, causing the agents to fall like rain.  Then Paul opens up on the remaining helicopters, causing them to retreat, but not before taking out a few feds- the scalps of which Ron plans to show his 1^st grade class.  It’s then you see the tanks approaching.  You fight valiantly, but the government forces are too much, and your family is killed.  However, after you die, you hang out in heaven with Jesus, Ronald Reagan, and Father Coughlin. THE END.

7- You accept the debate and the liberal media pundit that mediates twists all the questions asked to you to make you look bad.  You lose the election and you Democratic opponent votes to turn our country over to Iran.  THE END.

8- You wait on your porch for the man to approach.  When he reaches you, he says he’s an agent of the Federal Government and would like you to fill out a questionnaire about your income, household, property, religion, employment, and cable new preference.  Will you (fill out the form- go to 3) or (refuse to fill out the form- go to 13)

9- Your Tea Party Militia marches on Washington, where you kick out all of the liberals and install a good Christian president.  Through swift scientific advances, you’re able to bring Ronald Regan back to life and appoint him president for life.  His reign causes all bad things to go away! THE END.

10- You send the militia back home and settle into watch Glenn Beck.  However, the government never forgets and two weeks later an airstrike hits your house, killing everyone but Sarah.  She sold you out for being a coward, and married Billy Dee Williams.  THE END.

11- You fire a warning shot into the air!  The man shouts he’s an agent of the government, so you fire another shot at his feet.  He retreats back to his black car and drives away.  Feeling accomplished, you sit back to your lemonade and apple pie while your wife massages your feet.  Maybe if she’s lucky, you’ll give her relations later.  Just as you start to think about enjoying your wife, you notice three black helicopters racing toward your house.  You know those to be ATF Strike Teams! What do you do? (Activate your local Tea Party Militia- go to 15) or (Arm your family for battle- go to 6)

12- You sent out a mailer proving how evil your Democratic opponent is and won!  After spending three weeks in the Senate, you become friends with Senator Tom Osborne, who introduces you to cocaine.  One year into your senatorial term, you’re busted in a hotel room with half an eight ball of blow and a dead hooker.  You’re sentenced to six months probation.  THE END.

13- You refuse to fill out the government man’s form!  He warns you that not complying will result in serious consequences, and that he’s only here to help you.  Will you (reconsider and fill out the form- go to 3) or (tell the agent to leave- go to 18)

14- You take aim at the agent.  He warns you that shooting a Federal Agent is a serious crime.  But you see he’s reaching for his own weapon! Do you (Fire- go to 17) or (Lower your weapon- go to 4)

15- You run to your computer and call upon your local tea party militia!  Within seconds they arrive at your house and prepare to repel the feds.  However, upon seeing the force of ordinary citizens at your house, the Feds turn around.  Your militia cheers!  What’s next? (Send the militia back home- go to 10) or (Have the militia prepare to take back the country- go to 1) 

16- Your group goes the political route, and you’re nominated to run for Senate.  Things are running neck-and-neck and your Democratic opponent challenges you to one debate over economic issues.  Will you (accept the debate- go to 7) or (Send out a mass mailer saying that your opponent is a homosexual that gives forced abortions to children- go to 12)

17- You shoot the agent and his head asplodes.  You look down at your watch and realize that it’s almost 4pm, time for the Glenn Beck Program.  So while your wife cuts up the agent’s body to be sold the homeless shelter, you relax in your favorite chair to watch Glenn Beck.  THE END.

18- You tell the agent to leave your property.  Instead, he pulls out a radio and says “resistor.”  Within minutes your property is swarming with government agents.  They take you away to a prison in California, where you’re forced to shower with gays.  After contracting AIDS, you are then forced to endure reeducation where your brain is destroyed and you’re reduced to being a liberal.  You live out the rest of your days as the boyfriend of a large black man in New York City, where you work as a community organizer. THE END.