Why Republicans Love Gays SO Much

At 1:15pm, the Senate is scheduled to begin debating the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  I say scheduled because the whole thing has to start with a vote on if they want to debate it, which Republicans have vowed to filibuster.  Democrats are scrambling to get 60 votes to avoid the filibuster and no one really knows if they’ll get there.  And they say there’s no suspense in Washington anymore…

I’ve never understood why people think conservatives are anti-gay.  That’s so 1994.  This is 2010, baby.  My politics are economic and my president is a Kenyan socialist Muslim.  The truth is that the Republican Party is simply trying to protect gays!  The world is a scary place, and while Democrats waste time trying to protect a dying middle class, Republicans are out there looking to protect gays from the horrors of modern day life.  Just so everyone is clear on the Republican position here, let me explain:

They're obviously not married.

Gay Marriage

Conservatives are well-known for being pro-marriage.  So pro-marriage that people like John McCain and Roy Blunt have had two, Newt Gingrich has had three, and Rush Limbaugh has had four!  However, the truth is marriage sucks.  Aside from the fact that you’re limited to having sex only with that person, once you’re married everyone stops trying to be impressive in anyway.  Regular people see no reason to try to impress you since they can’t sleep with you, and your spouse stops trying to impress you because they know you have no other options to get your rocks off(sucker).  The only person who gets nicer after you’re married is your priest, and that’s just because he thinks you’ll bring more kids into the parish. 

Gays have it made right now!  You can go from dude to dude without repercussions (except maybe AIDS).  Plus, if you do end up in a relationship, the first time your significant other hints at wanting to take the next step, you can point out that you are currently at the top of the big gay stairwell.  These awesome rights only exist as long as gays are protected from the institution of marriage. 





Gay Adoption

This one baffles me.  Since most gays spend every night at a bar dressed in leather looking for someone to take home, why would they want a kid?  Especially a 2^nd hand kid- I thought gays weren’t really down with the vintage thing?  Either way, raising kids is nothing but shoveling shit.  When they’re young you have to clean up their shit.  When they’re in elementary school they leave shit all over the floor.  When they’re in high school nothing but shit comes out of their mouth.  Then in college they shit all over your bank account.  Why would you want that? 

Gays thinking about adopting should go the park, see how cute the kids at the playground are, and then walk away laughing at the fact you just got to experience the best part of parenthood without changing a diaper.  Don’t worry my hetro-challenged friends, you’ll continue to be protected from raising kids.

 Gays in the Military

Republicans are all about praising the bravery of our armed forces.  There are few things more honorable than wearing the uniform of your country and picking up a rifle to defend it.  However, military life isn’t for everyone, including gays.  First, in the military it is not acceptable to greet a comrade in the shower by shaking his third leg- except in the Navy.  Next, while it’s in the gay’s nature to try and look fabulous, in the military standing out is frowned upon, and few accessories look good with digital camo.  Finally, there isn’t a single GAP in Kabul.  None.  Zero.  There are few things more dangerous for gays than the lack of overpriced knits.  Besides, if Republicans retake the White House, do you really want to go die in the next silly war started over nothing?  Exactly.  We’ll continue to protect you with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell… Except we’re totally going to ask and you’re totally going to be harassed until you tell.

Now that it’s clear that Republicans don’t hate gays, but simply want to protect them, we can put this matter to bed.  Conservatives and gays have so much in common that often gets ignored. Both love to drink water.   Both love Margaret Thatcher.  Both have things up their ass.  It’s time the MSM recognize this, and see how Republicans are pro-gay protection, not anti-gay.