Handy Dandy Tips for Parenting

I am not a parent. Not only is this fact better for me, but it’s probably better for the universe that haven’t reproduced.  However, this doesn’t stop me from having opinions on parenting.  In fact, seeing how other people raise their kids, and how they’re most likely doing long-term damage to these kids, I’m going to share some tips on how to not be a douchebag parent.  Let us begin.

Tip #1: DO NOT name your child after alcohol

Today alone, I came across two people named after booze.  One was “Tequila” and the other was “Hennessee”(Yep, they even spelled it wrong). I’ve seen others such as Bacardi, Kaluha, Tanqueray, and Patron.  Why the hell would someone think this is a good idea?  What clicks in someone’s head and says “you know what tag I want my child to have to wear their entire life? The shit that got me sloshed me when I got knocked up.” At the hospital, when they ask a new mother what they want to name the child, if she says anything that has caused me to make poor decisions, they should instead put the child into foster care.  What bad decision inducers are next to become baby name?  Are we going to see Budweiser Smith or Crack Cocaine Jones or even It-Had-Been-Eighth-Months-And-Someone-Was-Just-There Doe?  Don’t name your kids things that have made me vomit.

Tip #2: DO NOT take bath pictures when they can no longer bathe in the sink

I’ll never understand why parents think it’s cute to take these pictures at any age, but since all babies look exactly alike I can forgive it when they’re tiny.  However, toddler bath pictures… STOP. IT.  Cute is not the proper descriptive word for those pictures.  The proper descriptor is felonious. Imagine how the boys on C-Block would love you, dad. 

“Hey man, what’d you do?”
“Took naked pictures of my kid.”

“Prepare for a world of anal pain.”

So, the next time you’ve got that camera out, and you’re thinking of snapping a little baby porn, remember the fact that it makes you a creepy, creepy criminal.

Tip #3: DO NOT threaten to beat your child in public

Beating your child at all makes you an ass that deserves to be smacked with a brick.  Threatening to beat your child in a public setting makes you an ass that deserves to be pummeled relentlessly.  It never seems to matter what waiting room I’m in as there always seems to be someone with a kid or two who can’t sit still. Do you remember what it was like to be 4? Do you remember being able to sit still? Hell, I still can’t sit still in a waiting room- I almost always end up playing Tetris on my phone. How the hell is a kid supposed to manage it?  I have a suggestion for all you shitting parents out there: help keep your child entertained.  Bring a book. Bring an action figure. Bring some crayons.  Bring something. Or better yet: talk to your kid! Let them tell you a story!  That NEVER stops entertaining me. Sometimes I wish there weren’t pesky things like “laws” so the next time I hear a parent say to their kid “you want a whoopin?” I can turn and say, “Do you?”

Tip #4: DO NOT start fights at your child’s sporting events

It seems every week there’s another video of some parents engaging in fisticuffs as a pee wee football or soccer game.  It usually starts when Kid A (not the Radiohead one) does something minor to Kid B, so Kid B’s parents yell at Kid A. This pisses off Kid A’s parents who yell at Kid B’s parents, and before long they get to fightin.  Don’t be these people.  Aside from the terrible example it sets, you just look like a jackass fighting in your khaki shorts, golf shirt, and silly straw hat.  What’s hilarious is while they claim they’re trying to protect their child’s feelings, few things are more embarrassing than watching your mom get her ass kicked by the mom of the kid you sit next to in school.  

Tip #5: DO NOT use your children for political props

If you’ve seen a tea party rally, you’ve seen this shit: little tikes with little signs that read “I’ll work later so ghetto moms don’t have to now.”  Or kids with giant fake boulders on their back to symbolize the tax burden they’ll have some day.  Or my personal favorite: anything involving Sarah Palin.  Sarah, we get it. You’re a mom. That’s really awesome. But there are thousands of female candidates all over the country who can run without dragging their kids on stage at almost every rally around the country.  STOP. IT.  This shit is nauseating to me on both sides of the spectrum.  From the anti-prop 8 commercials to the commercials the DSCC had running in Missouri this summer- the shit is not cool.  You want to teach them that voting is important? Awesome! Thanks! You want to try to indoctrinate them that your beliefs are the only ones that matter? Go for it.  Seen it fail a million times.  But when you’re thinking up a cute way to dress your baby to make a political point, just think: Does this make me a giant douchebag? And since it does, please don’t do it.

I hope these tips help you parents out there.  Please, stop scarring your children for life with your stupidity.