Reasons to be Pissed at Drunk Friends

I like drinking.  I like being around other people who are drinking.  In our day to day lives we have to put up with so many bullshit formalities and pretentions, but drinking is great because it makes you say what you mean.  But drinking can also make you do things that you normally wouldn’t.  For example, I can’t dance.  I look just as awkward as every other white man that has ever lived (except Vanilla Ice) when I try to.  However, once I drink a little bit of my courage-in-a-glass, in my mind I can bust a move with the best of ‘em. But lately, it seems more and more people are getting pissy with other people’s drunk choices. 

There are some key words to that last sentence- let’s identify them! Let’s start with “other people’s.”  Other people- you know, not you.  And it has an apostrophized “s” denoting the next word is possessed by “other people.”  That next word is “choices,”- decisions, picks, options, resolutions, etc.  So, “other people’s choices” are decisions reached by people that are not you.  Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move on.

When we realize that everyone has the right to make their own choices, and that shit is even codified in the Bible, we see that it really isn’t our place to get all pissy when people do stupid drunk shit.  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and because I’m like a clean window today and all about clarity, I’ll give you a list of 100 reasons it’s okay to get upset with a drunk friend.

For example, you have every right to be pissed if they…

1. murder you.
2. maim you.
3. drive a vehicle into your house.
4. fly a plane into your house.
5. drive a boat into your house.
6. drive a train into your house.
7. set fire to your house.
8. blow up your house.
9. blow up your car.
10. sell your car.
11. sell your house.
12. sell your child to gypsies
13. sell your child to rednecks.
14. sell your child to Republicans
15. kidnap your child.
16. put your child up for adoption.
17. teach your child the words to “Baby Got Back.”
18. teach your child the “Song That Never Ends.” (Fuck you, Lamb Chop!)
19. teach your child how to light their farts
20. teach your child that Carlos Mencia is “funny.”
21. use your child for a footstool.
22. teach your child that it’s funny to put a sign that says “Help! I’ve been kidnapped!” in the back window of your car.
23. sell your child drugs.
24. buy drugs from your child.
25. arrange to have your child murder someone.
26. forge your name on Army enlistment documents.
27. sign you up for long distance service.
28. sign you up for NAMBLA.
29. erect a sign in your front yard that reads “I hate white people.”
30. steal your beer.
31. steal your virtue.
32. steal your car.
33. steal your television.
34. steal your couch.
35. reconfigure your iPod to only play the first 23 seconds of every song.
36. put all of your DVDs in the wrong cases.
37. replace your DVDs with videos of infomercials.
38. have relations with your significant other.
39. have relations with your father.
40. have relations with your mother.
41. have relations with your dog.
42. have relations with Lil’ Wayne.
43. have relations with your cat.
44. have relations with your hamster.
45. have relations with your fish.
46. refuse to have relations with Brad Pitt.
47. reconfigure your computer to cause every Google link to click to send you here.
48. vote for George W. Bush.
49. call your parents to tell them you’re in jail- and you’re not.
50. buy airline tickets to Amsterdam on your credit card.
51. buy 200 dozen doughnuts with your credit card and have them delivered to the police station with a note that read “eat up, piggies!”
52. use your credit card to order 30 Russian mail order brides.
53. use your credit card to order a bouncy house.
54. use your credit card to make donations to al-Qaeda.
55. use your credit card to make donations to the KKK.
56. use your credit card to make donations to the Westboro Baptist Church.
57. build a bonfire in your backyard and dance around it naked with 30 homeless people.
58. paint a mural of Osama bin-Laden on your house.
59. paint a mural of Rosie O’Donnell on your house.
60. erect a sign above a synagogue door that reads “Arbeit macht frei”
61. put a Detroit Red Wings sticker on your car.
62. attach “testicles” to the back of your car.
63. reconfigure your television to only show Fox News.
64. change all the phone numbers in your phone to those of call girls found on Craigslist.
65. post your number on Craigslist-Boston offering to sell two Yankees-Red Sox tickets for face value.
66. Sign your email address up for every “Bible verse of the day” spam list they can find.
67. hide a rotten egg in your heating vents.
68. sign you up to sponsor 32 children with Save the Children.
69. change the house numbers on your house to “69420”
70. coat your toilet seat with super glue.
71. invite Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston to live in your basement.
72. tear out every page in your books that ends in the number 8.
73. turn all of your shirts into muscle shirts.
74. have sex in your bed.
75. have sex with a prostitute in your bed.
76. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed.
77. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed and record it.
78. have sex with Bill O’Reilly in your bed, record it, and then force you to watch it.
79. register you as a sex offender with the police.
80. remove all the light bulbs from your house.
81. remove all the door knobs from your house.
82. remove all the knobs from your faucets.
83. call the power company to disconnect service.
84. rent out your house while you still live there.
85. invite Michael Vick to dog-sit for you.
86. replace your vinegar with sulfuric acid.
87. tell you they placed 1 pube in 1 food item in your house.
88. and refuse to tell you what item it is
89. remove all the utensils from your home except butter knives.
90. sign you up for 92 subscriptions to the New York Times
91. sign you up for 1 subscription to the New York Post.
92. tell your significant other that you cheated on them- and you didn’t.
93. tell your significant other than you said you wanted to bring Bill Cosby to bed- and you don’t.
94. knock holes in every wall in your home so you can have “inside windows.”
95. hide alarm clocks all over your house set to go off every 26 minutes.
96. announce on facebook that you’re hosing a party with free booze to everyone in the “I love sex” facebook group.
97. change your twitter and/or facebook picture to a picture of your ass.
98. change your twitter and/or facebook picture to a picture of Karl Rove.
99. sell your passport, ID, and social security card to an illegal alien.
100. didn’t invite you to go out.

So, if your friends don’t do any of these things, you really don’t have any reason to be pissed about what they do while intoxicated.